blue.

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I’m feeling blue.

The expression is supposedly expected to match my emotions but I just can’t help but feel that maybe it was first stated by someone with no concept of color theory as well as never having felt any form of depression. Sadness maybe. But not depression.

A few years ago I admitted to myself, and my doctor agreed, that I have anxiety and depression. I have undergone all the healthy and necessary steps to feel normal and I typically do. But, with my insurance being switched to a new company I am without medication for a little bit and thus, I feel wrong again. Wrong is a way that I try to explain it to myself so that I don’t begin to think that this way of feeling and thinking is a normal life to live. People without mental health issues often ask what it feels like. It feels wrong. It feels like there is something physically stopping me from being myself. Things that I know are hilarious, adorable, or heart warming don’t make me smile.

Many people with depression physically cannot get up and get out of bed even with extreme negative consequences. They cannot function normally and some even struggle to do the bare minimum like eat and drink. I am lucky that mine is not this bad, although… I would gladly take minimum consequences to lay down for a couple hours with my eyes closed hugging my knees. This was just a quick run-through and explanation of depression for you. Anxiety is a different feeling. You know that feeling you get right at the top of the roller coaster when you are about to plummet into the ground? It’s like having that all the time for no reason. Or, for very miniscule reasons. I got anxiety this morning when the toaster popped. I have been on edge ever since. You also seem to rationalize very average things into much larger problems. Like, a slight headache could definitely be brain cancer. I wake up all night, drenched in sweat from having anxiety attacks brought on from my dreams. Yesterday when a crowd of loud children entered a café I was in, I was seconds away from screaming, crying, and/or running away with my arms flailing. These symptoms are not even the worst part. The worst part is the inability to control it. Or to stop it. If you are like me, and you are beginning to tell people about your problem, you probably get responses like: Aw, feel better! Keep your head up! Stop being so down! Stay positive! I cannot tell you how un-helpful that is. A much more helpful statement would be: Is there anything I can do to help? Chances are, you are going to be told no. But just the thought of someone acknowledging that the problem isn’t something that can be easily switched off is sometimes enough to light a little yellow flame in the back of my mind. Hey look! It’s the mention of color again. Shall we get back to that?

As you all know, I am close to having a bachelor’s degree in graphic design. I have taken SO MANY classes about color. Classes that aren’t even about color but end up requiring extensive research on color theory and etc etc. So I know a thing or two about color. I just have to say out loud that nothing about depression is blue. Blue is calming, trusting and hopeful. The sky is endless, it feels like there are limitless opportunities and countless places to go. Large bodies of water, the sky, and those people you know with pigment-less eyes (demons) all appear blue because they have no actual pigment and blue light travels in the shortest waves so it scatters in all directions which means our eyes pick up something peaceful and beautiful to look at instead of nothing. 3 out of 5 of my immediate family members have blue eyes (pigment-less demons). To me blue feels soft, peaceful, fresh, infinite, and content. My professor’s would scream if I used the word happy, a word reserved for yellow, but I will say content. I threw together a quick graphic of how not depressing blue is.

Depression makes me feel trapped and sometimes dangerous. Dark and uncomfortable. Stuffy and equally too warm as too frigid. To me, it feels dark red and murky grey. It feels like I am in a dark, loud but at the same time silent, humid labyrinth with no corners or turns but also no end or beginning. Red is a color that is connected to the deepest human instinct to recognize that something is wrong and dangerous because it is the color of blood. Seeing blood on a member of our pack triggers us to do something to correct the problem (this is why red is used a lot in marketing, it triggers action). The alpha (or beta… like, who is labeling) of my pack — my husband — recognizes when I am depressed and does his best to help. I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am to have him.

If I were to give anxiety a color theme, I would go with bright reds, purples, yellows and oranges. Colors that don’t necessarily compliment each other, but challenge each other. More than just a flat color, a color that feels like its blurred and vibrating. Chaotic prints and patterns flowing within the colors not connecting them, but disrupting them.

Next time you feel like asking someone if they are feeling blue, I suggest switching up your terminology. Thank you for taking this visual journey with me. I promise, I’m ok.

I would like to leave you with some information from our creative, Kendra Gonzalez, on mental illness. If you have any kind of mental illness, great or small, there is help available and you are not alone. The more we talk about it and normalize the illness, the more accepting it will be as an illness and not just an emotion you can “snap out” of.

1 in 4 people will be affected by mental health in their lifetime. So if you’re someone who needs help, reach out, there’s always a hand to hold, and if you know someone who needs help don’t stop until they get the help they need. Being kind costs nothing. We need to do better and be better people. And always always let people know you love them, care for them, and are there for them. 

Here are some great resources:

Use the hashtags #idontmind to share your story and hear others. Visit @idontmind on Instagram or https://idontmind.com/ for more information on how to get involved.

If you or someone you know is in need of emotional support or help, call the National Prevention Lifeline. Trained helpers are available 24/7  1.800.273.8255

SuicideIsPreventable.org has information on how to talk to people contemplating suicide and how to get them help.

A crisis text line is available 24/7 for those suffering from suicidal thoughts, abuse, sexual assault, anxiety, loneliness, grief, eating disorders, and any other kind of crisis. 

Text Hello to 741741 if you or someone you know needs help. Visit @crisistextline on Instagram or https://www.crisistextline.org/ for more information.

Each Mind Matters is California’s mental health movement and has resources available. Visit @eachmindmatters on Instagram or https://www.eachmindmatters.org/ for more information on resources, information, and how to get involved.

Sidewalk Talk is a nonprofit organization who sits on sidewalks around the world offering free listening. Visit @sidewalktalkorg on Instagram or https://www.sidewalktalksf.com/ to find out what cities they are available in or how to get involved.

livingworks.net offers workshops in suicide prevention.

helpyourselfhelpothers.org has free mental health screenings available to those in need.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. Visit @twloha on Instagram or https://twloha.com/ or more information.

When you post on IG I would use the hashtags #idontmind #eachmindmatters #suicideispreventable and tag @idontmind @crisistextline @eachmindmatters @sidewalktalkorg @twloha sometimes they will repost or put it in their story.